I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
