Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
