So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
is wine microwaveable?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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