If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize
