Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
