the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
This house was built for laser tag.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I don't want my vagina anymore.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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