i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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