Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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