Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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