need another drink. this is the easiest way
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
