i was born a porn star she said
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Randomize
