I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
