I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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