Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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