yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
