You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
