I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
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