went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
