he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
