I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
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