sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
