I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
