Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
