My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
