so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
