I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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