Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
