sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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