can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
