I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
