dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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