Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
