i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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