i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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