It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
