In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
