I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
