does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
How does it feel to date your dad?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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