life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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