My sheets look like a crime scene.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
