oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
