We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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