i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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