He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
