I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
