Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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