I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Sober January is a disaster.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
