I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
