You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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