just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I just found puke in my bra..
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
