rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
