Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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