Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
