she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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