His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize